The Difference Between Sitting Next to Someone at the State of the Union and Rape
While discussing the bipartisan seating arrangement on Fox News, Wall Street Journal reporter Stephen Moore described sitting next to someone from the other party during the State of the Union like "Date Rape."
I've heard this analogy before. Students, leaving a particularly difficult exam might say "that exam raped me." A sports fan (or player) might describe a brutal loss by saying "we got raped out there." I'm asking those people to stop, think about the message they're sending, and stop doing it.
A reasonable response to my critique of the use of the word rape in these situations might say, but people say also use the word "killed" in all of those situations- which is widely considered to be a worse offense than rape- and you're not complaining about them.
I understand that hyperbole is a common and accepted literary device. I've said similar things- probably murdered, massacred, and suicide- all in reference to the end of the Red Sox 2011 season. But, there are several substantive differences when people talk about rape.
First- most victims of rape survive- and then are subject to being re-victimized when they hear people talk about something like a tough exam in the same words they use to describe being sexually violated. Second- rape is far more common than murder and when you use the word around others, you are far more likely to do so around someone whose life has been touched by it. Third- while most murders know that their crime is both a crime and abnormal, rapists don't think that their actions are rape, and that those rapists think they are normal.
So, when a potential rapist hears the word rape (or other language regarding sexual assault) as a substitute or description of an uncomfortable or difficult situation that doesn't have anything to do with assault or violence, it can send them the wrong message: rape is normal, not a big deal.
It's not. 19 out of 20 men would never rape someone. Rape is a brutal crime. Sitting next to someone you disagree with might be uncomfortable for some (you might hope that elected politicians are used to it), but it's not a violation of one's body or one's right to sexual autonomy. It's time we stopped using that word to describe something like sitting next to someone of a different political party.
Thanks to The Raw Story for finding this clip.
Language Matters
Psychologists from Middlesex University and the University of Surrey recently published a paper that found that men between the ages of 18 and 46 could not distinguish descriptions of women taken from lads’ mags from comments about women made by convicted rapists.
In addition, researchers also asked a separate group of women and men aged between 19 and 30 to rank the quotes on how derogatory they were, and to try to identify the source of the quotes. Participants rated quotes from lads’ mags more derogatory, and could guess where the quotes were from little better than if by chance.
Dr Horvath, senior lecturer in forensic psychology at Middlesex University, is concerned about the effects this kind of language can have on young men and their attitude to women: "The apparent normalising effect of lads' mags runs counter to the work that is done with sex offenders both in prison and the community. Sex offender programmes challenge the men on them about their sexist, misogynistic and derogatory beliefs about women and seek to reeducate them. Yet it appears that some similar beliefs have been presented in recent lads' mags, which are normalised and accepted in mainstream society."
Dr Peter Hegarty, from the University of Surrey’s Psychology Department, added: “There is a fundamental concern that the content of such magazines normalises the treatment of women as sexual objects. We are not killjoys or prudes who think that there should be no sexual information and media for young people. But are teenage boys and young men best prepared for fulfilling love and sex when they normalise views about women that are disturbingly close to those mirrored in the language of sexual offenders?”
UPDATE: Did anybody speak up? UVM Fraternity Suspended for asking members: "Who would you rape?"
As reported in the Boston Globe, a member of UVM's Sigma Phi Epsilon Fraternity sent an email survey to his brothers, in which the final question listed was: "If you could rape anyone who would it be?"
On Wed, Dec 14, 2011 at 3:54 PM, Seth Avakian <sethavakian@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi Guys,
I got your email addresses from the UVM Greek Life Page. I work as a prevention specialist in the office of sexual assault prevention and response at Harvard.
I'd love to hear if any of your brothers sent out a reply to all email challenging the contents after the survey with the "who would you rape" question was sent?
I'd like to think that at least some of your brothers weren't cool with that and stood up for what they knew was wrong.
Let me know,
Seth
On Thu, Dec 15, 2011 at 12:49 AM, XXX wrote:
Hi Seth,
The actions taken by one brother of our fraternity most certainly does not represent us as a whole. Most of what has been said against us has been hearsay. We are currently working tirelessly with our National Headquarters and UVM to solve this issue. It is not being taken lightly within the brotherhood.
If anything being a part of Greek Life has taught me more about sexual assault and rape prevention within the community than I ever would have learned otherwise.
Yes certain members of our chapter must be held accountable for their actions and we are working on that issue justly and swiftly. Please feel free to email me with any other questions.
Thanks,
XXX
Sigma Phi Epsilon Vermont Gamma
On Thu, Dec 15, 2011 at 9:34 AM, Seth Avakian <sethavakian@gmail.com> wrote:
Hi XXX,
thank you for responding during what must be a very challenging time. In my email I asked if anybody in the fraternity challenged the sender of that email survey. I'm wondering what the answer is and if I can post your response to menspeakup.org. Thank you,Seth Avakian
Hey Seth,
Yes we have publicly stated that there is no survey, that it was an isolated incident with one member and that it is being taken very seriously. We have challenged the, for the most part, one women who has been exacerbating the issue with slander. This is here blog http://secretlifeofasororitydropout.tumblr.com/ . We have all been refuting the claims made by her and have been iterating our message to the public as best we can.
Definitely post my response on menspeakup.org, in the meantime I would appreciate you keeping my name anonymous. I would be happy to keep you informed on our current situation and have my name associated with these responses in the near future.
Thanks
Veritas, gentlemen
Dear Harvard Students Selling and Wearing Those "Veritas Bitch" T-Shirts,
Allow me to preface this by saying this is not about your right to sell or wear an offensive shirt. The 1st Amendment means I get to say how I feel as much you do. In this post I suggest a few talking points for Harvard students who encounter a wearer of this t-shirt: So, for your Harvard-Yale Game shirt, you choose a reference to The Human Centipede. (a movie about a psychopath murder that surgically sews his victim's mouths to other victim's anuses). Are you saying that this is a metaphor for what Harvard is going to do to Yale at the game? If so, is copying another's work in the extremes of taste and decency the best you can think of? From my experience at Harvard, it’s a place that both prepares you to be better than that and expects more from its students. If the picture in your shirt means something else to you, can you please help me understand why you choose it? Given the Penn State child rape scandal, is a shirt that mixes football and popular images of extreme sexual violence really what you want to be wearing?
Please think twice about your actions and challenge your friends to do the same.
If you're interested in talking more about this, and especially about the issues at Penn State, please come by the next Harvard Men Against Rape meeting on Monday, November 21st at 6 pm in The Barker Center on Harvard's main campus. Room 024. All are welcome.
Peace,
Seth Avakian
Over It
You live with us, make love with us, father us, befriend us, brother us, get nurtured and mothered and eternally supported by us, so why aren't you standing with us? Why aren't you driven to the point of madness and action by the rape and humiliation of us?"
Full article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/over-it_b_1089013.html
Penn State Stays Silent, Harvard Men Speak Up
It can be horrifying to read about the sexual violence perpetrated by men. Take the recent charges brought against "Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State defensive coordinator who faces a 40-count indictment for allegedly sexually abusing eight young boys." He is believed to “groom” his victims; identifying a child, becoming a mentor, giving the victim gifts and establishing trust before sexually assaulting and raping them. This serves as a example of how perpetrators of all forms of sexual violence frequently seem like the "Nice Guy," nothing like the stranger in the bushes we are taught to fear.
But sometimes it's the inaction of others that really hits home. Penn State Athletic Director Timothy Curley, 57, and Gary Schultz, 62, the university's senior vice president for finance and business are believed to have known about the abuse but done nothing. Attorney General Linda Kelly stated "Their inaction likely allowed a child predator to continue to victimize children for many, many years..." You can read the indictment in its entirety here.
Just yesterday, coach Paterno and even the president of Penn State, Graham Spanier, were fired immediately for being a part of the silence surrounding the sexual abuse and rape of young boys. The idea that supposedly intelligent, responsible men in positions of authority could discover this and do nothing brings to mind the criminal neglect unocvered in the Catholic Church a decade ago. It reminds me of how groups of men sometimes react when one of their friends is accused of sexual assault- not believing that a guy they know and trust is capable of such atrocities and then not believing the survivor.
So, it may initially seem counterintuitive to end this post with the following video of Siyabulela, a Harvard undergraduate from South Africa. It serves as a counterpoint to yet another example of silence in the face of sexual violence. This is what Menspeakup is all about; enlisting men to speak up about gender and sexual violence. We hope to add to a chorus of voices that dare to stand up and take action. Coming from a culture that is making strides toward gender equality, yet still struggles with high rates of rape, he asks us "What kind of society are we trying to build?" His answer could be useful to those struggling with the criminal neglect at Penn State.
"Not only seeing that it is wrong, but taking action to treat women (and men) with the respect and dignity that they deserve."
Women, War & Peace
It is probably more dangerous to be a woman than a soldier in an armed conflict.
Featuring narrators Matt Damon, Tilda Swinton, Geena Davis and Alfre Woodard, Women, War & Peace is a bold new five-part PBS television series challenging the conventional wisdom that war and peace are men’s domain. The vast majority of today’s conflicts are not fought by nation states and their armies, but rather by informal entities: gangs and warlords using small arms and improvised weapons. The series reveals how the post-Cold War proliferation of small arms has changed the landscape of war, with women becoming primary targets and suffering unprecedented casualties. Yet they are simultaneously emerging as necessary partners in brokering lasting peace and as leaders in forging new international laws governing conflict.
Matt Damon's commentary in Why Should Men Care? will be of particular interest to the readers of MenSpeakUp.
Women, War & Peace will premiere on your local PBS station Tuesday nights from Oct. 11 to Nov. 8, 2011. Check your local listings for air times, and click here to watch the trailer.
Athletes Come Out as Allies
From The Harvard Crimson
Before their Tuesday afternoon practice, members of the Harvard varsity wrestling team posed for a picture on the steps in front of the Malkin Athletic Center. But instead of sporting their team uniforms in this photo, the athletes came in gay pride attire and rainbow pins that read “Proud Ally.”
In honor of National Coming Out Day, the men chose to wear the pins in solidarity with the BGLTQ community.
Harvard College Queer Students and Allies co-president Emma Q. Wang ’12 said that this year the student group wanted to emphasize the importance of coming out as an ally.
“Sometimes it’s difficult to be very vocal as an ally,” she said. “We want them to feel included because they play such an important role.”
According to wrestler David J. Lalo ’13, it was a non-resident tutor in Lowell House, Robert Joseph “R.J.” Jenkins, who inspired the team to participate in National Coming Out Day.
Multimedia
“[R.J.] has made a tremendous impact across our team,” Lalo said. “We wanted to show him we support the LGBT community.”
Jenkins, who is openly gay, said that he casually brought up the idea of wearing the pins one day while speaking with several athletes in the Lowell dining hall.
He said the men responded positively to his proposal.
“I started to imagine it as an opportunity for them to come out as allies,” he said. “To think about a day for allies to come out and say, ‘I accept these people in my life. I accept them for who they are.’”
The athletes said their close relationship with Jenkins compelled them to show support for the BGLTQ community.
“He’s been a mentor and an advisor,” said wrestler Steven M. Keith ’13, who wore a shirt that read, “Some Kids R Gay. That’s OK.”
Timothy P. McCarthy ’93, director of the Sexuality, Gender, and Human Rights program at the Carr Center for Human Rights Policy, remembered that when he was an undergraduate, BGLTQ-identified individuals faced a stigma in the Harvard community.
“A lot of us wanted to distance ourselves from those courageous souls,” McCarthy said.
While House tutors and other faculty members provided a support system for BGLTQ students, McCarthy said solidarity was not as public then as it is today.
Jenkins said the athletes are leaders in the effort to combat discrimination against BGLTQ-identified individuals.
Wearing a shirt that said, “Some Dudes Marry Dudes. Get Over It,” Anthony J. Buxton ’13, a varsity wrestler, said he had received smiles from people on the street.
“There is a much larger community of allies who are willing and ready–even eager–to stand with their LGBT peers,” McCarthy said.
—Staff writer Eliza M. Nguyen can be reached at enguyen@college.harvard.edu.
How Can Men Promote Gender Advocacy?
This week, hundreds of writers and activists have joined forces in the Girl Effect Blogging Campaign. The Girl Effect is an initiative that seeks to draw attention to the unique ways in which women and girls are affected by poverty and conflict. Although their outreach has affected diverse groups of all genders, the bloggers in the awareness-raising campaign this week have been mostly women. Is gender diversity important in gender advocacy campaigns? If so, how can organizers carve out space for men and people of all genders to join this effort?
The Girl Effect does not purport to exclude any group from participating in development initiatives on the basis of gender or any other factor. Rather, it seeks to highlight the necessity for a gender-sensitive approach to development since men, women, boys, and girls are differentially affected by poverty and conflict. In a fact sheet containing research from Human Rights Watch, the United Nations Population Fund and other agencies and institutions, the Girl Effect states:
- Out of the world's 130 million out-of-school youth, 70 percent are girls.
- In Nicaragua, 45 percent of girls with no schooling are married before age 18 versus only 16 percent of their educated counterparts. In Mozambique, the figures are 60 percent versus 10; in Senegal, 41 percent versus 6.
- A survey in India found that girls who married before age 18 were twice as likely to report being beaten, slapped, or threatened by their husbands as were girls who married later.
- 75 percent of 15- to 24-year-olds living with HIV in Africa are female, up from 62 percent in 2001. [all statistics courtesy of the Girl Effect]
The statistics suggest a glaring need for gender sensitivity while crafting development programming, a priority that is echoed in the Millennium Development Goals. Both men and women are involved in policymaking and the implementation of development initiatives, but advocates within the Girl Effect Blogging Campaign have been mostly women. This is not necessarily a flaw in the campaign: Demographic similarity or uniformity in social movements can foster camaraderie and effectively promote a message. Some may also argue that as long as campaigns are impactful and meet their stated goals, the demographic composition of their participants is irrelevant.
In the conclusion of a 2010 report titled "What Men Have to Do With It," the International Center for Research on Women identified lingering challenges to including men in gender advocacy; primarily, "men remain mostly invisible in discussions of gender equality." Furthermore, "men are conceptualized as problematic in most policy that addresses gender" and that can "reinforce traditional stereotypes of men." Additionally, "men lack information about existing policies or laws." The report substantiates these and other claims with case studies from Mexico, South Africa, Chile, India, and Brazil.
Campaigns can become echo chambers and, ultimately, to effect social change, campaigners will need to reach individuals who would have otherwise been unaware of or opposed to their cause. Engaging men in gender-related advocacy and development needs to start with a shift from a mentality of blame to one of inclusion. Indeed, patriarchal structures, culture, religion, tradition, and the decisions of men have created some of the problems women and girls are facing worldwide. However, that should not preclude men currently living in those communities from becoming partners in development. Focusing on blame creates a gender dichotomy that is fundamentally hurtful to the cause of gender equality and advocacy.
The word dichotomy creates another false impression: that gender advocacy is only relevant to men and women, thus excluding people of all genders from the conversation. To some, this may feel like a scrutiny of pronouns, but ultimately, people of all genders have experienced the sexism Girl Effect describes or the exclusion and blame that men may have felt in gender advocacy campaigns. Their voices are valuable in these campaigns.
We do not all need to blog to be gender advocates -- or even need to do anything per se. As Tara Mohr, the woman who created the Girl Effect Blogging Campaign in 2010 and is leading it again this year, writes, "I think that too many calls for social change focus so narrowly on making sure everyone does “x” that they fail to create the foundation for real, sustained doing. That foundation is changed awareness and being moved, emotionally. "
So, how do we stir? How do we move? Here are the first steps. We become mindful of inclusion and wary of blame. We practice that inclusion in our own lives: by discussing the Girl Effect with people of all genders, asking them how they conceive of its relation to their life, not only in response to existing problems, but also as a conversation unto itself. We carve out space for people to practice gender sensitivity in the way that feels most appropriate to themselves. And we keep making gender one of the lenses through which we approach questions of poverty, conflict, justice, development, and social change.
Photo Credit: hdptcar
